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Post by mareofnight on Feb 18, 2013 4:36:24 GMT
I always found zombie stories (like The Walking Dead) slightly extremely depressing because I tend to pick ___ character who will probably die, and try not to get emotionally attached to them. Nowadays I appreciate its metaphor for the "human condition", and generally like a few of the Zombie stories, even though I still expect characters to die. This reminds me of a slightly different problem I have. (Well, not sure if it's exactly a problem, since I don't think my thinking is incorrect, just inconvenient.) I hear about bad things that happened or are happening to people I know, especially if it's mental health related, and I generalize to remembering that this sort of thing happens to a lot of people (so it's an even bigger problem than just my friend being unhappy), and then I think of the problem as being that I live in a universe where it's possible for this sort of thing to happen. So I end up framing others' personal problems as existential problems. And then get upset because we're all trapped in a universe where bad things, life-ruining things can happen, and I can't do anything about it. Problem is that I worry this means I'd go nuts or get depressed if I got too close to someone who had a chronic problem. And it would really stink to find that out when it's too late to back out. But I also seem to be drawn to people with big troubles, to some extent, so that might be what happens if I don't figure out how to predict in advance if I'll be able to cope. Umm sorry to be a downer. Just thinking about taking things as metaphors for or indicators of the human condition, and such. Soff: I'm a bad nerd too |'D Maybe there should be a bad nerd club?
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Post by Emily on Feb 18, 2013 19:21:55 GMT
From what I know of people who have mental or physical conditions, what is important to remember is that you can't always fix the problem, or make it go away or even make them happy (if their problem is something like depression or anxiety this is especially true), and also that problem is not your burden to bear for them to your own detriment...
-BUT you can try and be available to them, let them know that you are there to offer support when you can.
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Post by mareofnight on Feb 18, 2013 20:12:07 GMT
Thanks. Sounds like good advice. I do notice this is more of a problem for me when I get into the mindset (usually without justification) of thinking I'm responsible for someone else.
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Zamisk
Pirate
Scourge o' the Cosmos
Posts: 86
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Post by Zamisk on Feb 19, 2013 4:36:35 GMT
Soff, the trick is to rarely finish them! Hooray for a short attention span and slightly obsessive behavior while it lasts!
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Post by Soff on Feb 19, 2013 16:48:32 GMT
Ohh, so that is how that works...!
Action poses hate me. Like really really hate me. And of course, that's what I write into my comic. Yay! Eeeh, sorry about too much comic talk. I'll start again to complain about school next month... Ok, I'm a little monothematic...
That makes a lot of sense, Em... And yeah, I understand how you feel about that, Night. Taking responsability for other people mostly just ends badly. But yeah, being close to people with chronic problems may sound more difficult, but in the end they are people with problems like everyone else. You may know which one is the problem and it may make you even mad sometimes how that always turns up, but people are more than just their issues. If you get close to someone is because you find them lovable for some reason and even with their issues they are as capable of being awesome as everyone else, so the best you can do is love them for their good and try to stand by them through the bad. Not everything can be solved, but... I guess that as long as you can live with the bad things, it's not that bad? Though written like that, it sounds like perfect justification to letting people abuse you. In that case, though, the problem would be yours and not only the other person's... Whatever.
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Post by mareofnight on Feb 19, 2013 18:58:52 GMT
Soff: I don't think you can have too much comic talk on a comicy forum I've noticed that getting mad at the person who is having trouble is a common reaction. I try really hard not to do that, since I've had people do that to me and it sucks. I guess thinking of it as an existential problem and getting mad at everything instead might be how I'm avoiding that. In which case, I should probably think about alternative ways to deal with it in case there's a better one... It's not really coming to dislike the person that I'm worried about. I guess my worry is that I'd still love them but not be able to take the emotional stress. When I hear that one of my friends is feeling especially poorly, it feels like the fact that the universe allows horrible things to happen to good people is staring me in the face, and I get frustrated. I'm not sure how much frustration I can take before it becomes a big problem. Finding out through trial and error would be painful for everyone involved if I cross the limit, but I don't know of any other ways to find out. So I guess I'm trying to decide whether risking depression and a bad breakup is worth it. I guess there's a similar risk when getting close to anyone, now that I think about it. I just... really want to make the best decision I can. (I hope it doesn't sound like I'm being overly selfish. Part of it is I am being self interested and don't feel the need to gloss that over. But also I know it usually hurts both people when they get close and then stop being close, and there's the risk of a feedback loop where both people feel bad for making each other feel bad.) I do sort-of have a specific case in mind that I was thinking of when I brought up this subject. I'd like to be less vague, but can't because privacy reasons. I'm fine right now, and there's no sudden, immanent decision I need to make. I just wanted some help thinking through what I need to do for my mental health if I do get the opportunity to get closer to this person, and it seemed like a good idea to do that well in advance. I probably also won't give an update about what happened, since if I do end up with a partner, I'll probably want to gush about how awesome they are without worrying about whether you think it's the same person I'm talking about here. (So basically, if it does go well, I'll make a post about "yay I have a partner" but not mention that it's this person.) ...I just realized this might be at least the third time I've come in here for advice about friends or love things and avoided even mentioning the person's gender. /mysterious
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Post by Emily on Feb 19, 2013 21:38:19 GMT
Well as far as I'm concerned, gender isn't terribly important, so you go right ahead . What soff said about letting people abuse you is exactly why i made the point of saying that someone elses problems shouldn't be your burden to bear. You can listen to a person, help them in whatever way you feel comfortable with, but when their welfare starts coming at the expense of yours, you aren't their support anymore, you are their crutch. That is detrimental to both of you and will eventually put a strain on your relationship. You are not in the end, responsible for their happiness and wellbeing, especially if their unhappiness comes from the sheer, uncaring randomness of the universe. The universe(or god if you are religious) does not micromanage lives based on a tally of good and bad deeds, bad stuff can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason at all- nothing you can do to stop it, so you might as well not worry. Sorry , got a bit metaphysical there.
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Post by mareofnight on Feb 20, 2013 0:05:32 GMT
Thanks for the advice, Em and Soff. I think I'm going to look into ways to avoid thinking other peoples' problems are my responsibility, since I do have a problem with that in general. And with the person who is on my mind now... proceed with caution, I guess. And I'll talk this over with them if it looks like something is going to happen and I'm still unsure.
@em: I got metaphysical first probably. I know it's like that, but I still get mad at it anyway when bad things happen. I guess that's something else to work on, since most of that frustration is wasted energy when I can't do anything about it.
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kewdle
Bucaneer
That one chick over there.
Posts: 28
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Post by kewdle on Feb 20, 2013 0:16:17 GMT
This is all good advice tat you have received yes.
I have a cold and I am stupid tired because I slept horribly and not long enough.
That is all. D:
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kewdle
Bucaneer
That one chick over there.
Posts: 28
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Post by kewdle on Feb 20, 2013 21:48:28 GMT
My parents are coming to visit and I am a giant ball of stress and my mom's gonna be able to tell and ask me what's wrong and I'm going to explode into tears and then she will try to give me a pep talk that only makes it worse.
First world problems, go.
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Post by Tea on Feb 20, 2013 22:14:47 GMT
*Hugs Kew*
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Post by mareofnight on Feb 20, 2013 22:28:25 GMT
*hugpile*
And I think that's an entirely legit problem. It doesn't have to involve starving to death to matter.
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Post by clemon on Feb 20, 2013 22:41:07 GMT
What's the problem Kew? It's hard to figure out from your vague statements....? Let us help...(in what ever way Internet people do)...
Also, I know we just got out of discussing mental problems, so I won't mention mine, which are relatively minor, won't make me fail at school (I hope) and just annoy my sister a lot.
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Post by Soff on Feb 20, 2013 22:45:31 GMT
I'm with Mare. If it troubles you, it IS a problem! It's not nice or useful to feel bad about feeling bad. We all have to care about our own troubles! It's a good thing that you do! That said, I'm not entirely sure of what is stressing you. Is it that your parents are visiting itself or is that your parents are... going to see something you'd rather they didn't? Not that it matters *hugs* . I hope everything goes well!
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Post by Soff on Feb 20, 2013 22:50:12 GMT
Hey, Clemon, ninja-ing people is just rude . And I suppose you can expose your own problems if you'd like! My brother mostly gets mad at me for leaving my shoes always "in the middle". He also accused me for the longest time saying that I "don't care about anything". That was more a problem of his than mine, though... But right now I just miss being able to go down the stairs to annoy him (he's around Europe, in vacations since before I got back from mine).
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kewdle
Bucaneer
That one chick over there.
Posts: 28
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Post by kewdle on Feb 21, 2013 13:15:52 GMT
Oh. I'm just stressed out about the GRE which stands for graduate record examination, I now know. I would really like to have a good store on it.
I was also stressed because we've lived here like three months and thinks are still in boxes and it makes me angsty.
But visit with mom turned out really well. So I was worried for nothing.
:D *hugs*
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Post by mareofnight on Feb 21, 2013 14:38:16 GMT
@kew: Wow, I can see how that would be stress o.O But glad your visit went well! clemon: I second Soff, I don't mind hearing about it if you want to tell about it In other news, I'm freeeeeeeeee! Just submitted my last work for the quarter. Yesterday was fairly insane - one project due, and one online quiz that I misunderstood the deadline of and had to ask the professor to let me take it late (professor actually noticed I missed the deadline and asked what was wrong, he opened the quiz again but probably thinks I'm an idiot now), so I'm glad it's over.
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Post by purenightshade on Feb 21, 2013 17:10:05 GMT
Clocked in to work at about 8:30 yesterday morning. Clocked out again at just after 9 pm. Only took a half hour lunch instead of an hour because we were very busy. The exhaustion migraine from all that really shouldn't have been a surprise.
I don't think I could have made it in to work today. Super glad that I was scheduled to have the day off.
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Post by clemon on Feb 21, 2013 18:46:21 GMT
@kew: Good to hear that everything worked out. : )
@pure: augh. I really dislike working long hours (unless it's to get stuff done and I get a sense of accomplishment at the end. : I It's good that you got a day off.
@ Mental problems: Well the consistent but minor effects are me getting headaches from being around full book shelves for more than a few hours, and checking the alarm clocks a lot before going to bed. And by a lot I mean in groups of 4 or 8....at 3 to 6 intervals. This latter effect really annoys my sister when we share the same bedroom. My extended family on both sides have their share of unusual mental thingummies and would probably be on TLC Hoarders if they didn't live in huge houses or own large amounts of land, so my immediate family just sort of let me have it, and even bought me a third alarm clock (although I only use two currently).
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Post by Emily on Feb 21, 2013 20:05:36 GMT
Lets all get in a hugpile and talk about our feeeeeeeeeelings
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